After watching the 83rd annual Oscars, and ignoring the urge to commit suicide every step of the way, I came up with this very fitting title – Franco Stanko.
Taking a page from my hero, the man who created the catch phrase Wacko Jacko, I was able to concoct this amazingly suitable title. Now, I have no clue who the first person to actually utter the words “Wacko” and “Jacko” back to back was, but whoever it is, deserves major props. Rarely do we come across such an accurate nick name. For Michael Jackson, who clearly can be shortened to just “Jacko”, was a lot of things, but what he mostly was, was “Wacko.” He had no real nose and seriously thought that he was Peter Pan. Rest my case.
Back to the point- Franco was utterly Stanko. Just as clear as Jacko was Wacko. The world really does follow simple rules if you pay attention.
It just goes to show and serves everyone a lesson – Sometimes, you have to remove your head from your ass. This is something that this Franco character should have been told. But, nobody gave him the heads up to pull his head out of his ass.
Stanko just stood there smiling a strange smile, like he just farted in the car and auto locked all the doors, and he's waiting for his passengers to notice the stench and plead for him to open their windows.
This guy thinks he’s so much of a talent, that he doesn't have to make any effort to entertain anyone. Here’s Franco Stanko to Oscar producers- “What do you mean, entertain? I don’t even know what that word means! I’ll just smile and stare off in a daze.” GENIUS. Don’t you know that countless people in the world HAVE BEEN FORCED to just smile and stare off into a daze? Like the harmless, innocent Terri Schiavo. I for one am deeply offended - You, Mr. Stanko, did nothing but taint this poor woman’s struggles. You should be ashamed of yourself for acting that way by choice. Or, maybe I’m being too hard on the guy. Maybe he doesn’t have a choice, he’s just that bad of an entertainer, that he has no other option than to “entertain” by looking like a complete dipshit. If this is the case, then Franco Stanko is probably a director’s dream.
Director: “Okay Franco…look extremely stupid and overly confident…annnnnnd action!”
The guy directs himself. But I imagine so many people kiss his ass, which is full of his head, that he thinks he’s being charming or something of that nature. But charming he was not. He was awful. And it leads me to ask myself – “Who is he?” Besides a guy who is clearly Stanko.
I looked at his movie career and saw that it contained superhero movies and a soap opera. Boy. What an all star. He also was in a movie called “The Ape.” Which, you guessed it, is Franco Stanko living with an ape…in a Hawaiian shirt.
Didn’t Wacko Jacko live with a monkey named Bubbles? Hmmmm, this Wacko Jacko/Franco Stanko debacle is getting more and more in depth, isn’t it?
We all know that starring in a movie with a Monkey, or any zoo animal for that matter, is usually a bad sign (more on this in a different article).
Also, I’ve heard people compliment his work in the stoner flick “Pineapple Express.” Clearly, this dude is certifiable to be an Oscar host. Geez, I’m surprised this was only his first year. Where have you been Academy?
So let’s sum it up…movie with an animal…stoner flick…Okay, I got it! If Franco Stanko doesn’t come back next year to repeat his genius, then it’s clear who can fill the important shoes of an Oscar host. Rob Schneider and Tommy Chong.
But let’s be honest. The only person they can put in a monkey suit and plop on stage next year that could be WORSE than Franco Stanko, is Wacko Jacko. Actually, I take that back. The remains of Wacko Jacko in a bow tie would be MUCH more interesting. Certainly more lively. Sorry Stanko. You’re officially the worst of the worst.
